got my special sem results today. i know it seems like a weird habit, posting about my results every semester. it's like i have some obsessive compulsive disorder. but it's become a habit after so many consecutive semesters of doing the same thing. duh, that's what a habit is. anyway. i am disappointed. a B+ is far from satisfying. :( but i am trying to remind myself that i completely deserve it because 1) i stupidly signed up for FOC - which was two days before my exam. and 2) i was too bloody lazy to participate in any way. and oh 3) i didn't read 4/5 of my readings.


i wonder how long this will all hold out for, this delicate balance that sees me perched precariously on the edge of the precipice. the threads that hold me together are tight with the tension, and i fear that just that wee bit more tension will break everything i've been working so hard to pull together. there is no fat cat in my garden today to distract me, no woodpecker hovering around the tree. it's just me and my thoughts, wishing the tepid breeze would chill itself into something slightly more wintry. shadows still dance on the pink garden wall, though - slipping into each other and changing the fundamental shape of its being. the sun blazes a strange amber today, casting an orange light onto the grass blades. the air is thick with it - can't you just taste it? it's tingling on my tongue, in my nostrils, and i'm awash in it. nothing, nothing you do can take this away from me, my mind is my sanctuary and my haven. even if the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die, i'd spend the end with you, & still choose this over anything else. rainbow-swirled paddlepops and crushed kiwi smoothies make my heart soar, even as i wish that the paddlepop never melts and the smoothie never finishes. but as i said before, the paddlepop must melt, the smoothie must reach the bottom of the cup.


like the golden leaves of fall giving way to snow sheets of winter; like the rain that has to fall from the sky when black clouds rendevouz; like the passage of time forcing me to become one year older each year - so, the chick must become a chicken, the sweet apples go rotten, the inevitable come. hummingbirds hover around the hibiscus flower, butterflies flit from bloom to bloom, the iridiscent throat of the kingfisher reflecting the sapphire of the water surface. i am surrounded by beauty, and yet i see the infernal inescapable maggots that eventually reaches everything. somehow, somewhere, death has touched me and its grip has changed me, its effects irreversible. death of a loved one, death of a love. many ways to die.


my exam is tomorrow.


sitting in my room during CSS FOC doesn't sound like it's exactly the most social thing to do. i am, however, trying to study for my exam this saturday and hence have to suppress my kaypoh nature just for this next week. i hardly slept a wink last night, tossing and turning til 5 in the morning. it was dreadfully fitful sleep, as i dozed off, woke up, and dozed off again repeatedly til the sun came up. i am going to try to catch a bit of shut eye before i try to study in the afternoon - i am so optimistic, i am the sunshine of my own life.


@%^%&^@#^&@^ 


after a nearly 2 month hiatus, i'm back! i didn't see a point in posting anything when i didn't feel like it. to be perfectly honest, i am still bordering on uninspired. these days have been filled with afternoon classes (2pm-4pm should be declared official nap time) that have seen me struggling to read enough to keep up. the 4th week of special semester is about to be over and i am entirely unprepared for anything - exams are in 2 weeks (!!!!)